God Bless This Hot Mess

Most days I feel like I have no idea what I’m doing. In fact so much so that it doesn’t even phase me anymore when The Beard shakes his head and says “It’s a good thing you’re pretty.” I know exactly what he’s getting at. I’m a hot mess but he loves me anyway!

This morning, I feel like this:

Ever feel like that? I have so many things I want to do but just can’t ever seem to get them all to fit into a perfect little package with a cute little bow around it. My reality doesn’t include the words perfect or cute!  

I get cranky because I feel like I spend so much time in my life on things that are not what’s most important to me. I’m fully aware of where I’d rather my energies be spent and certainly know where my my head is the majority of the time, but I have yet to figure out how to flip the script. So I just keep trudging along. Sometimes it feels like I’m treading water for hours upon hours. Good thing I’m in better shape these days, huh?  Lol.

Anyway, this is really just a post of morning rambles. Have you guessed yet that my morning didn’t go as I had hoped? Little Man was up at 4:15 and did not want to go back to sleep. The Beard was up early fixing work problems and trying to make it to another weekly commitment on time. I had hoped to get a good run in and get to school in time to catch up on some grading.  BUT even once I got the babe back to sleep I then realized I had a work meeting. So, no run, got to the meeting a little late and there went the catch up time as well. Yep and now I’m doing what I always do, FYI. Putting off stuff that I should be doing because my head and heart just aren’t into it.  

Grrr….one day I’ll figure it out, right? I sure hope so. Until then I just keep reminding myself of this…

…and if God’s ok with that, I guess I should be to.

~ Ashley ~

Almost There

I’ve been competing in things since I was little.  Dance, photography, volleyball, gymnastics. I enjoy learning and being coached to get better at things and to accomplish goals. So clearly my mindset was no different when it came to the births of my children.

Women always talk about how they enjoyed being pregnant. Receiving extra attention from others, feeling the movements of their soon-to-be son/daughter, things like that. However, that was not me.  Not that I didn’t like those aspects of pregnancy, but my most favorite part: actually giving birth. Many people look at me like I’m crazy when I say that, but it’s true. I think the reason is because it was another scenario where I was being coached to reach my goal and it was mostly up to me to “push” myself to do what needed to be done.

I remember being in labor with The Princess and when the “real” pushing really began. About mid-way through the process, The Beard (along with some of the nurses) said “You’re almost there! You’re almost there!”  I was like “YES! I’m about done with this.” and I would give it my all knowing the end was here.  Then, contrary to what I had just been told, they would tell me to stop pushing and I would realize I was not yet at the finish line.

What? Are you kidding me? You said I was “almost there!”

This happened for SEVERAL cycles and they kept saying it.  I was so annoyed. Not as annoyed as when the delivery room was completely silent and The Beard said “Do you realize that everyone in this room right now is staring at your vagina?”  If you don’t remember me sharing that story before, you can read about it here. Anyway, didn’t these people know this was a mental game for me?

Obviously I could do this, as billions of women have done it, but I have a S-T-R-A-T-E-G-Y and you’re                                                                        K-I-L-L-I-N-G it! 

I later asked The Beard why he kept saying that OVER and OVER when I was still MILES away from crossing the finish line with our daughter. He told me, as would probably most new dad’s, “I don’t know. That’s just what all the other people were saying so I said it too!” I have to laugh as I look back on it now because I remember he was so genuine when he said this. Ahhh, again, I love this man.

So let me tell you why I was so perturbed with the situation. You see, when it comes to many things, I’m a very “point A to point B” kinda girl. Let me give you some examples. When it comes to running, I don’t want to just “go for a run.” I want to know how many miles I have to run. At boxing, I don’t want to beat up the bag until I’m told to stop. I want to beat up the bag for 2 minutes and I need to know where each 30 second mark is. For weight loss, I certainly don’t just want to work on consistently losing weight over a period of time. I need a goal weight and then smaller goal weights along the way in order to keep my brain focused.  It may seem silly to some but it works for me.

So my advice to you is this: when working to achieve your goals, no matter how small or large, stick with what you know works for you. Don’t worry about what everyone else is doing or saying.  And for goodness sake, if you happen to cross my path during one of my goal-reaching journeys, please do NOT tell me “you’re almost there!”

~ Ashley ~

Oh No You Didn’t

Scene: Preparing for a little family adventure so Mommy can ogle the over-priced white-gurl running accessories at Dick’s.

Oh the tanks! The tights! The whatever-you-call-thems!

They’re all so . . . magical.

With ludicrous price points.

Anyway, we’re getting ready to leave. At the time it’s a little chilly outside, but not too bad. We get the kiddos in their jackets and little man discovers that his mittens are in his pockets. Instantaneously it’s so cold as to REQUIRE the use of additional outwear. Up goes the hood. And in true fumbling toddler style, the mittens are attempted. Or as he says MITT- ENS. Picture lippy “urban” girl . . .”Oh no you Di’int!”.

This reminded big poppa of a long forgotten musical gem:

My wife likes to play that my attraction to such off the wall ditties as this makes me ‘goofy’ and ‘weird’. But deep down inside, in places she won’t admit to in public, my varied and cultured tastes gives her the tingles.

When I get to bobbing my neck and wagging my finger to said ballad, the amount of turn-on present in our Toyota 4-Runner could choke an elephant. So don’t let her try to convince you otherwise. She enjoys these moments as much as (probably moreso than) I do.

And that reminds me of this:

(If you can get past Darryl’s awkward singing into the camera, it’s a good song) 

~ The Beard ~

Getting Healthy Is Fun…Or Nah.

Fitness is fun? Can I just start by saying that my image of fun will never include a lady with a Dorothy Hamill haircut wearing an old school leotard?And if it ever does, I believe I have good enough friends that they would slap me in the face and bring me back to my senses. In fact, just show me this video and that will be all it takes.

See, I wasn’t kidding with the Dorothy Hamill comment.

Now in all seriousness, yes, working out and eating right can be enjoyable. However, there are plenty of times when it’s not. I mean, when I drag myself out of bed and head down to the dread-mill at 4:30 in the morning (okay it actually ends up being more like 5:15 given that I hit snooze like 6 times) I’m not thinking to myself “this is going to be FUN!”

Exhibit A: This is what post early morning running looks like…

 …no filter.

I don’t even bother to wash my makeup off first because that’s just too much additional effort.

And all the while, this is what I’d rather be doing…

…truth.

Healthy eating is fun.  Really?

Exhibit B: On my way home from work the other day, The Beard and I had the following message exchange:

The Beard: In the car. Staaaaaaaaarving.

Me: Yep. Roadhouse? Perfect. B&B for drinks? Super.

The Beard: hahahahahaha

Me: I don’t find anything funny in that.

The Beard: I was thinking more like Taco Lucha is all.

Me: That works too.

The Beard: but…

Me: …MY butt. (my butt is my arch enemy when it comes to trying to improve my physical appearance)

The Beard: Nuthin tastes as good as losing weight feels.

Me: That’s a bunch of BS.

And it is.

NOTHING tastes as good as losing weight feels?

How about pizza? Or fettuccini alfredo? Tator tots & ranch? Biscuits & gravy? Fluffy pancakes covered in syrup? Bullet bourbon mixed with Mexican coke in a bottle (It’s called a GFBC at our favorite place, B&B)? And let’s not forget CHICKEN & WAFFLES!!! So let’s be honest, that’s one of the dumbest things I’ve ever heard and I’m a high school teacher, so I hear an inordinate amount of dumb things on a daily basis. 

Bottom line: Fitness and healthy eating habits are usually not fun in and of themselves but instead they help lead me to fun. 

What I mean is that working out and healthier food choices help me to have fun in the long run. They help me to look and feel better both physically and mentally. When I feel better about myself, I tend to have a more positive outlook and more of a good time, in whatever I’m doing.

So when I think about going to boxing class after an extremely exhausting day or as I’m getting ready to spoon out my tuna on wheat (hold the mayo) at lunch time, I’m not doing it because it’s going to be fun. If I wanted fun at that very moment, I’d call up some friends to meet for a comfort food lunch or go out that evening for a few drinks. Instead, I’m doing it for what it will bring.  

I think this says it best:

#truth.

~ Ashley ~

Insert Title Here

Warning: This guest post contains nuggets of truth.  Also known as RealTalk^TM. You may not like it, but that does not reduce the truthiness of it.

I was thinking the other day on my way to work about our wedding day. 

What can I say, despite the way Ash tries to portray me in this blog, I’m a romantic softy.  It was truly a great weekend.  We got married down at the Lake of the Ozarks.  Spent the weekend down there with friends and family.  Everyone had a great time.  Ashley actually took a shot with a live minnow in it and (eventually) jumped off the cliff with the rest of us.  Oh, and the wedding was pretty neat (even if it was hotter than the surface of the sun).

   

But that’s not germane to the nature of this post or of this blog. 

Leading into the wedding Ash and I worked together to whip ourselves into half-way decent shape.  We really wanted to lose a significant amount of weight to look our best at the wedding.  Not to toot my own horn, but we did a pretty good job.  We tracked what ate using the ‘Lose-It’ app and exercised regularly (together and separate).  Couldn’t tell you the exact numbers of what we lost, but it was significant.

And that is germane to the nature of this blog.

Ash is always trying new things and methods to continue her efforts to reach her ideal physical state.  She recently started (like two days ago) the Advocare 24 Day Challenge program.  I’m not here to tell you about or sell you Advocare or their programs.  To be honest with you, I don’t really know anything about besides it’s a combination of pills, powders and potions. 

What I am here to tell you about is my admiration of her continued efforts to improve herself.  Whether it was our pre-wedding push, or her using Genesis Pure and Couch-to-5k to shed the baby weight (twice) she is continually looking for that next step in her progression. 

Without getting overly bat-poop crazy about it. 

She has a definite vision of where she would like to be.  And though she gets frustrated that she can’t get there yesterday(!!!!), she continues to plug away and try different combinations of nutrition and exercise philosophies.  And drags me along with her, even though my go-to meal would be frozen pizza if she let me.

Of course I don’t know many husbands that would not be supportive of their spouses efforts to retrieve/maintain their feminine form.  As a husband, my job is to take care of the three Ps.  Provide, Protect and Procreate. 

I’ll leave it to your dirty little minds as to which of those is my favorite. 

You could argue then that a wife’s job is to take care of the three Rs.  Respect her husband, Retain her feminine form and Rut.  Is that a simplification of each role?  Slightly.  However, if you were to look at all of your relationship decisions through those three objectives and acted accordingly you would have the foundation for a strong and lengthy marriage. 

That philosophy only increases my admiration for the effort Ashley puts forth.  She could just as easily (probably more so) take the path of least resistance and let herself go.  But she knows that would lead to decreased satisfaction for both of us in our marriage. 

So as much as she is doing all of this for herself, it is evident that there is an equal amount of motivation to get it done for the kids and myself.  Which inspires me to want to P______ even more.  I’ll let you fill in the ‘P’ that belongs there (That’s what she said)!  GIGGITY GIGGITY

~ The  Beard ~

An Open Letter To New Christmas Toys

Dear New Christmas Toys,

As a mother of a toddler and preschooler, it’s a rare occasion when I can eat a piece of food in its entirety. My kids have noses like bloodhounds and eyes like eagles. Those of you with small children know EXACTLY what I’m talking about.

You know, the moments your kiddos begin to act as though they are Koi fish that haven’t been fed in days!

So this morning, I would like to say “Thank You” new Christmas toys. Thank you for distracting my children long enough for me to selfishly enjoy my tasty cinnamon toast treat. Under normal circumstances, the moment I sat down, my children would have turned into hungry tarsiers.

However, this morning, you provided the blocking coverage that this mother needed.

I will admit though, it was hard to trust in you, as I’ve been down this road a million times. So I still ate like I was in a jungle, surrounded by starving, carnivorous dinosaurs. I sat incredibly still as I slowly raised each bite of toast to my mouth. Each time my teeth sunk into the bread, my eyes would dart and my head quickly cock to wear the Princess and the Lordling sat. 

Hoping…praying…that they wouldn’t pick up on my movement and force me to share what was mine. MINE!

There were a few close calls. Moments where I sat frozen mid-bite, until I realized the predators were simply looking for a dropped saddle to their toy horse or were consumed in arguing with each other over who would get to play with the T-Rex. It was then and only then, that I breathed sighs of relief, knowing that there was no real threat this morning. 

Not THIS morning!

So again, I would like to say “THANK YOU” new Christmas toys! Thank you for allowing this mama to savor every last piece of buttery, cinnamon glory…if only for this one luxurious moment.

~Ashley~

‘Tis The Season

Merry Christmas!

I hope that everyone had a wonderful celebration with family and friends. I know we did and certainly had many opportunities to reflect on how blessed we are.

This last month has proved to be extremely busy and I have not posted as often as I would have liked. I have so many things floating around in my head that I would like to share with you and I certainly plan to do so in the upcoming weeks.

With the onset of winter, I have found myself in a health and fitness slump. This is perhaps the hardest time for me, for a variety of reasons, and I struggle to stay on track in working toward my goals. I’m sure a lot of you can relate.

It’s actually funny because as I have slowed down, The Beard (who let’s just say hasn’t worked out consistently in quite some time…love you bae!) has finally gotten bit by the bug again and has been non-stop in the gym for 4 weeks straight…his own PR!

So, not one to be out done, I have some new found motivation and will be prepping this next week to begin my mission on January 5. I plan to let you come along with me, for the good and the bad, so get ready!

For now, I hope that you enjoy the rest of your holiday season and in the mean time, I’ll leave you with a recent sound bite from The Beard.

While out shopping, without the kiddos, The Beard and I stopped at Starbucks. As we sat at the table drinking our coffee and enjoying a breakfast sandwich, we talked and laughed about recent musings. This is one aspect of our relationship that I have been thankful for since its beginning. The fact that just time with one another, talking about random things, makes us happy.

For those of you that don’t know, The Beard and I found each other a little later in life, after each of us had already taken a run at marriage.

Given how our relationship came together, we didn’t date long and once married, made the decision to have children pretty quickly.

Let’s face it, The Beard wasn’t getting any younger!

However, in doing so, there wasn’t much “just the two of us” time to our relationship. I was reminded of this on our shopping outing and after a particular moment of laughter in the conversation (probably about something entirely inappropriate, yet totally true) I said the following:

Me: Can you imagine how much fun we would have had if we had met each other earlier in life?

The Beard: Um, I feel like I had an acceptable amount of fun during that time.

Me: *expressionless face and blank stare.

Aaaannnndd…The Beard strikes again. Just another day in our life. A life that I love.

~Ashley~

On the Hot Seat With The Beard

So tonight I’m sharing with you the unexpected, yet first installment of “On the Hot Seat with The Beard.”  I wish I could tell you that this was entirely staged, but it was not.  Just a typical week night in our household.  

Tonight’s captured topic?  Space Travel.  Other topics prior to filming: last week’s Republican victories, as well as the impact of Vladimir Putin’s actions in Eastern Ukraine and what impact they will have on the European Union as a whole.  

Again, I can’t make this stuff up.  Is this normal?

~Ashley

*Transcript

The Beard: Are you guys familiar with the rocket that blew up when it was trying to go into space last week?

Princess: Yeah, yeah. (shakes head up and down)

Lordling: YEAAAAAAHHHH!!!!!

The Beard: That’s disturbing.  But, my question is, how do you think that will impact future ventures into commercial and passenger space travel?

Princess: Um…animals can go on busses…sometimes.  They can sit down.

The Beard: Oook.  (laughter) And what’s your thought?

The Lordling: (silence)…Dax (and points to himself)

The Beard: Dax?  Perfect.

Now Hiring: Cooks Wanted

It’s never ending…

…I think it totally coordinates with the color of the toaster.

~Ashley

P.S. I burnt 6 pieces of toast this morning before I got it right.  That’s determination right there!

If Your Food Told The Truth

Unfortunately, these are rather spot on. I can only imagine what that pink whippy frosting wants to say to me those times when I syphon it like gasoline.

Happy Thursday!

~Ashley~